To the Bitter Critics

On the way home from Auburn, I called my brother Scott to ask him to burn a few CDs for me (Radiohead and Incubus). Because Scott knew I had spent the last two days knee-deep in New Moon, he jumped on the internet and started reading me the one-liners from film critics on Rotten Tomatoes. Here are a list of my favorites. Obviously these people have no friends and no time in their lives for guilty pleasures. I feel sorry for them. Life would hardly be worth living if I didn't pause every now and then to enjoy sappy Nicholas Sparks' storylines or mocha frappuccinos with extra whipped cream and extra chocolate sauce or two hour naps after school on Fridays or hours of Dawson's Creek reruns or vampires and werewolves and Bella Swan. Guilty pleasures...I'm not proud of these little obsessions, but I'm man enough to admit that I LOVE THEM ALL. So, to the bitter critics - I'm sorry you had such rude things to say about my movie. I think that secretly you loved it.

- "It's Shakespeare on training wheels made for future Lifetime viewers."

- "Memo to director Chris Weitz and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg: Just because you make a movie about vampires doesn't mean you suck the life out of your story."

- "Fans will quiver and sigh; everyone else will shrug and move on."

- "The irony is this movie is about vampires but the only thing doing any sucking is the movie itself."

- "I can't comment on the acting because I didn't catch Pattinson, Stewart and Lautner doing any. They basically primp and pose through the same humdrum motions they did before."

- "Considering Lautner's acting improved so much sans shirt, I wonder if there might have been Oscar buzz had he taken off his pants."